Healing does not occur till you go back to the place of brokenness and face your giants, otherwise the whispers will always haunt you and keep reminding you of your past.
They say it is better to leave things in the past, to forget, to move on. That is exactly what I desired to do, to move on but I could not move on till I laid the ghosts to rest.
For many years I tried to ignore my past, pretend it never happened, but my behaviors were telling another story. When you have been molested early in life, it changes you.
I was afraid of many things in my life, I had anxiety attacks that I secretly dealt with.
I looked all confident and wore high heels and suits but behind the mask was the girl afraid of the dark, afraid to fall asleep in case anyone came in her room.
Only after fasting for 40 days seeking my calling when all doors were closed in my life, did I hear from God who told me to show my scar. I could not do it. I told God I could not even go there. I had too many bad memories. Memories of domestic violence and the death of my child as well as my childhood molestation. I was not ready, but I wanted to be free and finally obeyed God. It was one of the most difficult decision I ever made. I made my website and write about myself. God led me to write a book, “Breaking the Alabaster” coming out soon. Only when I lost myself in God, was I able to find myself.
God wanted me to share my story, with other survivors of child molestation, domestic violence and death of a child or any form of trauma.
I slowly began to speak about it in small groups and 1:1 and I could see how it started to minister to others. One senior lady had held her abuse in her heart for as long as almost 60 years and after showing her my scar, and praying with her she was able to find healing.
I understood why God gave me this ministry. When I speak from my broken place, people who have been broken like me can see Jesus, whose body was broken for them/us and whose blood was poured. In my scar, they are able to see the scar of Jesus and know that He has paid the price of their shame and their pain. After I began to share with others my heart, my testimony of being sexually molested when I was young, ending up in a domestic violence relationship and the death of my child, it began to heal me and it was no longer a secret that I was carrying for so long alone. It had become very heavy and God said, it was time to give it all to Him. As long as I kept the abuse a secret, I wasn’t free. I could not worship freely as I was holding onto secrets. God wants to heal us in all areas. That is why Jesus came, to set us free. Free from everything, sin and shame.
When I spoke from my broken places and showed people my scar, they were able to resonate to my story and find healing. Only the Blood of Jesus can flow to those areas of our past, in those crevices and hidden places, where no drugs, no psychology and no psychiatrist can go. The Word of God is able to go to the past and heal those hurting places no medicine can.
I praise God for healing me and others through my story.