Memories don’t vanish. Having forgotten means they are they are temporarily sealed.
I walked on the cool sand at Wollongong beach in New South Wales one warm autumn morning, while my husband was having coffee and reading newspaper at the beach coffee shop. He was going to walk back to the motel where we were staying for the last few weeks. He came to visit me in my work trip.
I valued my alone prayer walks. It was the highlight of my Saturday mornings, long prayer walk chatting to God pouring out my heart to him. I stood on hard sand where the waves were not reaching anymore as the tide was out, gazing at the rising sun. It was the end of autumn, most leaves had already fallen off the trees. The grounds were covered in yellow, red and orange leaves. The trees were preparing to go to sleep for their long winter months. Many memories clouded my mind. Some I did not want to entertain and tried hard to push it away.
I groped for my phone camera to take a snapshot of the amazing view of the golden sky and simmering water. It looked magical. I felt warm tears fill my eyes as I remembered how far God had brought me. His goodness surrounded me even in those times when it felt like He had forgotten me. I remembered days when I hid in shrubs waiting for my abuser to fall asleep while holding my daughter’s mouth to muffle any sound from her. I prayed to God as we hid, that we would not be found. I could hear my heart pounding in fear, waiting, praying and crying.
Even though it had happened a long time ago, some memory flashbacks threaten to destroy the present moments of bliss. I worked hard at pushing those unpleasant memories away, speaking out declaring that God had brought me out like He did the Children of Israel from their bondage. I made positive affirmations as I walked. I walked on the green grass in the park next to the beach surrounded by rain forest. I praised God for bringing me to Wollongong. I had not been here before. I had heard of it as my friend had moved here. I wanted to visit but at the time I did not have finances to do so but God had provided this time. I felt warm as the sun rose up.
I meditated on the scripture in the Bible found in Malachi 4:2, “But for you who fear My name, the sun of righteousness will rise with healing in its wings.”
From a person full of anxiety and fears becoming someone who was now encouraging and mentoring others, indeed God had been merciful to me, healing me and restoring me.
I did not have to pay for this trip or accommodation. I was even blessed with a car. God had provided everything.
Why would He love me so much? I had nothing to bring to His alter, but my emptiness and my praises.
He has healed me of fear because there was a time even a door shutting loud and the phone ringing, caused me to jump in fear.
I was in a prison of fear. It had ruled me for many years.
I sat on the bench looking at people walking pass, I could help but feel immensely grateful that I was free of domestic violence and abuse. I was free to walk, I was free. But my freedom had cost me.
Years later, I still see his little face as if it was yesterday that I held him in my arms. He was my first born with no name. I didn’t even remember where he was buried. I was not able to protect him from the beatings that day. I was sorry. I was sorry for my choices, sorry for not listening to the wise counsel of my parents and my brother. I was sorry that I did not trust God and walked away from Him. I was sorry that my mistake had cost me my firstborn.
Memories don’t vanish. Having forgotten means they are temporarily sealed.
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